Month: December 2014

WTF, 2014?

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Just in case you are resolving to qualify for Jeopardy in 2015, Trivial Pursuit from 1981 is a perfect place to score some ridiculously obscure tidbits!

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Striving for Perfection

When I was child, I identified myself as a happy, friendly, smart, inclusive, creative, able person with a bright future.  I seized the opportunity to love, learn, grow, and lead. 

Some years ago, I faced the hard truth that I am not perfect.  I’m not sure when or how the realization occurred to me.  I am not sure if perfection was something that was inevitably snatched from me or if I turned my back on the magnitude of the endeavor.

As a result, I selfishly began to feel sorry for myself.  And again, it is unclear to me how exactly this happened.  I could blame it on society’s unrealistic standards.  I could blame it on destructive relationships or encounters.  These things are at least partly to blame for my tumultuous imbalance of spirit.

I continued to make choices that obscured my success.  I stopped thinking I was special or deserving. I declined bids for friendship.

Another catch 22 is that when you’re depressed, you are pretty lousy company, so people don’t want to get to know you or make you feel special. It MUST come from within.

A truth is that my value is directly proportional to my self-confidence.  When I thought poorly of myself, it was obvious to others. I apologize for the constant use of my marriage as an example, but here it is anyway.  Andrew and I were acquaintances for years before we ever considered friendship.  He saw from a distance the face of my depression.  It is sad to consider such a squandering of my talent and youth was also a choice. He recognized my potential as a loving partner once I took the lead in loving myself.

I don’t know exactly how I snapped out of it. And I know those speaking on behalf of those suffering from depression often remind people that “you can’t just ‘snap out of it.'” But I honestly think I did. I have had struggles (even within the last year) with feeling lost, but mostly, I take a deep breath and remember I choose happiness.

After years of reading books that promote positive thinking and harnessing potential, I continue to ponder the question of who I am and what I am meant to do. A helpful suggestion I’ve come across is to remember yourself and your interests as a child.

That’s when I really kicked lurking depression to the curb. I am not meant to sulk about my bad choices or failures. I am special and deserving. I now make time for activities and hobbies that interest me. I recognize my bad habits and work to mindfully change them. I express gratitude every day for my blessings. I now seize the opportunity to love, learn, grow, and lead.

Once I let go of my sadness over not being perfect, I realized that I am worth much more when I am happy than when I am sad. Life is much richer when I laugh than when I succumb to a negative outlook. As a result, I realize I’m not very different from my younger self. I am a happy, friendly, smart, inclusive, creative, able person with a bright future.

Things I Don’t Have Anymore

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I wrote and sent Christmas cards for the first time ever this year.  I have a huge family, so doing anything thoughtful is like opening a huge can of worms.  So this past weekend, Andrew and I sat down, printed out our free digital picture from the Space Needle, and wrote a personal message to each of my parents’ twelve siblings, my in-laws, my siblings, my grandparents, a few cousins, a few friends, and a few seconds cousins (+first cousins, once removed).  Especially because we are going on our second year of not visiting family for the holidays, it feels good sending them a reminder that we miss them.

As the messages in the cards I don’t have anymore say, I’d like to wish you all a very Merry Christmas!

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Can you spot Luna in her favorite Christmas spot?